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right of passage

  Is it some kind of bullshit right of passage that everyone who enters residency/internship is supposed to break down and cry at some point? I don’t know if it’s just the feeling that comes with having to get used to a really difficult

This is residency incarnated and he wants to kick my ass.

This is residency incarnated and he wants to kick my ass.

lifestyle/job but sometimes it feels like that. There are days when I feel like there are older residents even nurses who have that look on their faces of “is this the day that he cracks”?  And mostly it feels like people are looking on in eager anticipation rather than in empathy.  I’m not saying that anyone purposefully does anything with the intention of causing one to cry (mostly at least–going through the process of residency has definitely fucked up a few people in the head).  But I’ve definitely gotten the evil smile. That would be the one I get in response to the look of abject terror when after AM rounds I look down at my census of 40 really sick patients each with a bunch of empty boxes next to their name that need to get checked off.
  I’ve come to the realization I’m living in a Rocky movie. (Note that whenever I need to find an explanation for the seemingly inexplicable, I turn to the universal wisdom of Rocky). In my version, residency is like Ivan Drago, where he stares Rocky down and he’s like, “I must break you”.  In fact, Ivan Drago says like 6 things in the course of that movie:

  • “You will lose.”
  • “I cannot be defeated” “I defeat all man.” 
  • “If he dies, he dies.”
  • “I must break you.”
  • “To the end.”

 All of which suggests to me that residency is willing to go the distance and has only the singular goal of crushing me.  At least in my version, I’m Rocky.  Then again, Rocky did lose like half of the fights in his movies…

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