Today I crossed the threshold of the hospital I will be doing intership in. I stopped at the front door, hung my head, took a deep breath and plunged myself in. My first reaction is some fear of the unknown. Not so much what to expect–I already know that I’m gonna get my ass kicked and then handed to me on a platter–but more along the lines of not messing up. Too much.
I just don’t want to be that bumble-fuck intern that’s in every residency program. Some of you know what I’m talking about. I recall one bumble-fuck intern I met during a rotation in medical school who started off presenting a patient on AM rounds with “Mrs. So-and-so is a … yr old female… who had no overnight issues and is doing well…” At which point a few of us peered into the patient’s room and she honestly looked like she was dead. I’m talking arm hanging off the side of the bed, mouth slightly open with eyes closed. Long story short, she wasn’t dead but she had become septic overnight–while this intern was on call. This was a recurring theme for this particular intern and very often to the dismay of the senior residents.
I don’t want to be that guy. I work hard. Always have. But then again, this guy must’ve too to get to where he was at. Right?
I don’t know–I guess what I am describing is a “fear of failure”. This is a huge transition point in my infant career. I actually have some responsibility for the lives of other people. I’m a doctor and I don’t want to fuck it up. I especially don’t want to fuck it up while putting in everything I’ve got. I guess we’ll see how it goes.